when I learned meeble isn't a word

We have a schedule: if I don't call her by 11:15 she calls me. We didn't talk yesterday. I tried her twice to no answer.

Today she called me at 9AM; I was walking to the bus. Her feeble voice came through telling me it was an ouchy morning. She asked how Brooks' legs are doing. Her granddog, my constant. I said he is doing better. I didn't wish her to feel better. Wishing a dying woman to feel better shows a lack of empathy. She cannot and will not ever "feel better."

Now is the most lucid she will be and I am nowhere to be found. I have accepted that she is dying and this is not fair. Now I am scared.

She is my mom and I am not committing myself to caring for her as I am capable of doing. I ask myself "What am I doing?" and the answer that makes sense is "avoiding."